Lithic Loafing

To be Reincarnated as Glue and Sloppy Joes

2009-05-13T07:59:00.015-04:00

As readers of this blog well know, I've always been a bit lame. Whether or not you've openly characterized me as such, you've certainly perceived a certain underlying lameness in me. 'He's, well, kind of lame...' you've no doubt caught yourself thinking. So I guess it will come as no real surprise as I report on the recent manifestations of my latent lameness. I took a spill on Get Over It a week ago, and tore my left ACL, lateral meniscus, and medial meniscus. I'll be limping into the surgical theater on Thursday, and limping for a while thereafter*.

So, with one awkward fall, my summer reading list has supplanted my summer project list. It's just as well (painful, forced smile). I rather dislike climbing in the alpine areas of Colorado in the summer (grinding teeth). The rock quality sucks (red face, bulging blood vessels). And it's not as if I really wanted to send anything (visible madness, thinly-veiled hysteria!!!). I'm sure I'll take up some other fun "hobby" (single tear...).

Shit.

* Actually, to be clear, I don't intend to limp anywhere. I intend for Simone to cart me around in a bright red Radio Flyer, while I sip on drinks adorned with little umbrellas and grow smugly corpulent. I will finally realize the full utilitarian component of dog ownership.

Wishful Thinking, 2009

2009-04-20T09:06:00.005-04:00

In following the great climbing tradition* of posting projects on blog sites, I've created a wish list of Colorado boulder problems that I'd like to climb this year. My goals are lofty, and I'll be amazed if I climb even half of these problems. Still, the list serves as an outline for my spring, summer, and fall seasons, and it's nice to get a sense of where I'll be expending my effort for the rest of 2009. There's also a certain utility to outlining my projects, as it might get others to join me for a session or two. (Not that I view potential partners in a strictly utilitarian light. I will value your company as long as you carry lots of pads and thoroughly explain the beta. I promise. Oh, and do you have a stick brush? That would really be helpful.)

In order to give the list focus, and because I don't know exactly where I'll be traveling in the near term, I've only included problems from Colorado. I'll try to make progress reports on a monthly basis, and will include photos and videos in future posts. So, without further ado, here it is. A list I'll call Wishful Thinking, 2009:

Veritas (V11), RMNP: I spent about four or five days last year on the stand start, which I was finally able to climb. I then put in another ten days trying the sit start. I can link the two sections fairly easily, but lack the energetic where-with-all to top it out. Sadly, a crucial foothold recently broke, which will require some beta modification for me. It remains to be seen how difficult it will feel now.

Stinkbug (V10/11), RMNP: I've yet to do the first move. The end is pretty tough for me. I know, that bodes ill. Still, after three days of effort, I'm delusional enough to think that it's possible.

Get Over It (V10), Big Elk Meadows: I've probably spent about ten days on this over three years. I have everything but the top-out pretty well wired. I know what you're thinking: 'The top is the crux. If the crux was at the bottom you would have given up long ago, frustrated by the lack of ascension. It's easy to get sucked in when you're able to do a few gateway moves.' Good point.

Whispers of Wisdom (V10), RMNP: I've only really tried it once, but it's arguably the best V10 in Colorado, so I'm ready to invest much more time.

Riddles in the Dark (V10), RMNP: I've pulled on once or twice, but have never given it an earnest session. However, I like roof climbing, and would love to try this one when the snow bank below it is still high.

The Aristocrat (V9), RMNP: While this might not be the most noteworthy problem in the Park, I've found myself on it over three days or so, and have done all the moves. It'll be nice to finish it.

Deep Puddle Dynamics (V9), RMNP: I spent several days on this several years ago. I'm pretty sure I've done most to the moves. Can't really remember. This is another one I hope to try while there's a snowbank.

Fluid Mechanics (V9), Clear Creek Canyon: It seems as though this problem would fit my style, yet I've spent three days on it to no avail. I guess I'll just have to try harder.

Real Large (V9), RMNP: This one's not that inspiring, but it's just across the way from Whispers of Wisdom, and has some enjoyable moves.

Hollow's Way (V8), Flagstaff Mt.: This is the most aesthetic line on Flagstaff Mt. I've spent two days on it, but haven't really worked out the final move to the lip yet.

Small Axe (V8), Poudre Canyon: I've only seen photos and video of this, but it looks absolutely classic. I suppose I need to find out how to get there before I try it. Little help?

The Nothing (V8), Mt. Evans: I've never even been to Area D, where this line resides, but it looks stunning. And, of course, the setting is overwhelmingly beautiful.

Seurat (V8), Mt. Evans: I've only really spotted others on this climb. It's not really of my style, but I suppose that's all the more reason to give it a go. Plus, it's a singular and gorgeous line.

Tilt (V8), Poudre Canyon: Again, never tried it, but have always wanted to.

The White Man's Burden Project (V7ish), Isabelle Lake: This is a relatively small boulder problem on beautiful rock, three miles back in the Indian Peaks Wilderness. Its location, added to the fact that the crux involves a puny little dyno to a nice crimp, led to my tongue-in-cheek name for the project. There is very little else to climb on here, except for a problem I put up a couple of years ago which I named Manifest Destiny (V5). However, it's close to Isabelle Lake and Isabelle Glacier, which makes for a fetching setting. Plus, if you time it right, you can return from an outing with pounds of tasty mushrooms.

Against Humanity (V7), Poudre Canyon: I tried this one day, and arrogantly thought I would snatch it up quickly. After several hours of frustration, there is still a move I haven't even figured out how to do. Humbling, to be sure.

Immortality (V7), Redcliff: I should have done this a couple of years ago, but simply got too scared at the top.

Simple (V6), Poudre Canyon: I've never even been to this, but have seen video. It looks fun. Would somebody mind telling me how to get there?

Germ-Free Adolescence (V5), Eldorado Canyon: It's hard to believe that I've lived in Boulder as long as I have without climbing this John Sherman testpiece. Admittedly, viewing through my new-school lenses, I'd really like to do the low start, which weighs in at V7, and the low-right entry, which is called Here Comes Sickness (V8).

* By tradition, I mean in the fickle, myopic, media-crazed sense. The truest sense, that is.

Joe's Valley Post as a Pretext for an Apology

2009-04-12T23:35:00.012-04:00

I know, I know. I haven't posted anything in quite some time. I'm terribly sorry. Although nobody has actually formally complained (or really mentioned it at all, for that matter), I know that you are secretly hurt. When I've given unprompted apologies for my lack of blogging activity, you've feigned indifference and, at times, relief. But I'm keenly aware that if I were to scratch through your stolid veneer, I would find a deeply despondent human being. You may comport yourself with a stiff upper lip, but I know you harbor an insatiable craving for my marginally serviceable climbing media. You want to hear about the V6s I've climbed. You need to see photos of Simone lying in the dirt. You must return to Lithic Loafing daily.

Well, fret not, all ye faithful. Spring is here. I have a new pair of climbing shoes. I'm drinking more wine than ever (it's a part of my formal education now). Everything is in place for low-budget spray and self-aggrandizing bullshit. I promise to deliver.

In the meantime, enjoy these shots that I recently took of some tough kids in Joe's Valley, Utah. I said ENJOY, damn you!

Sander Pick on Trent's Mom.

Kevin Cuckovich on Beyond Life.

Jamie Emerson on Black Lung.

Kevin on Planet of the Apes.

Sander on Anti-Future Plan.

Slider

2009-01-15T16:58:00.011-05:00

For me, bouldering is about going out and convening with nature. It's about energetic sessions with friends. It's about a goal-oriented sort of physical training. It's about puzzle-solving, and mind games. It's about reduction and expansion, deconstruction and reconstruction. It's about sex, booze, and cash-money...

Sometimes, for me, bouldering is also about success -- the feeling of unqualified achievement that's all too rare. And luckily, two days ago, I was able to bask in the momentary glory of success by climbing my ultimate project, Slider. It's truly a rock climbing masterpiece, with classic moves on impeccable stone. I've been incessantly daydreaming about it since first examining it last year, and I am SO HAPPY to add it to my tick list.

One of the things I love about climbing in the Southeast is that -- in a wonderful union of geological and biological morphology -- many of the boulder problems here fit me. Slider is just one case in point. To be sure, this region holds a high concentration of problems between V5 and V10, which helps. There's a lot for me to choose from. But beyond grades, I find the holds and moves on many problems here to be especially accommodating to my style. I seem to have fewer of the pitched battles that characterize my time in Colorado, and I actually get to the top every now and again. Climbing here is the height of hedonism in an already self-indulgent activity. It's been a great trip. I will miss this place sorely.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, here is my ascent of Slider (V9) at Horse Pens 40, Alabama. After having read the rhapsodic prose about my experience on southeastern sandstone, you might be surprised to see such an ungainly oaf clambering his way to the top of this gem. However, I assure you that this has nothing to do with my climbing style and everything to do with the cinematographic quality of the clip. Enjoy!

UPDATE: For much better footage of Slider, as well as a few other SE sandstone classics, see Scotty Gross' blog.

Rumbling Bald

2009-01-04T08:54:00.008-05:00

I left Colorado over two weeks ago with the intention of climbing in the Southeast for a month. So far, I've only logged in six days of climbing, and have spent the rest of the time schmoozing with friends and family. Now that I'm finally regaining my curmudgeonly composure and swearing off all social interactions that aren't directly related to climbing, I find myself beset by bad weather. Karma? Nonsense. Go to hell.*

Anyway, here are some photos that I snapped on the East Side of Rumbling Bald.

Anthony on Pit BBQ

Anthony on Brackish Water

Danielle on the Uplifter

A couple of moves through Panhandler

Finishing out the day on the North Carolinian

*You all know that I'm joking, right? Please call. I'm ever so lonely...

My despair knows many names...

2008-12-21T23:09:00.004-05:00

And today it hails as "Kansas." The mind-numbing traverse across this government-subsidized expanse of land is not fun. Quite the antithesis of fun, actually. If only the scenery was as sweet as the high-fructose corn syrup that has its provenance in the petrochemical laden soils here. If only the views were as rich as the feedlot beef that are tenderly fattened on the delectable edibles (read: raw materials) reaped from these monocultural acres. Then Kansas would be a sight to behold -- a veritable paradise. Instead, it's a big, gray eye-sore, through which I reluctantly trudge. In fact, the only two factors allowing me to persevere, rather than abort my mission, are: 1) I know that great Southern sandstone and motivated partners lie on the other side, and 2) I have been assured by knowledgeable Kansans (via billboard) that abortion will lead to my inexorable damnation. So I choose life instead.

Joe's Valley

2008-11-04T13:54:00.008-05:00

Last week, I spent four days climbing in Joe's Valley, where I was reminded -- as if I could ever forget -- how much I like sandstone. I was also reminded that static climbing has its limitations, and if I'm ever to be a more versatile boulderer, I must overcome my aversion to dynamic movement. Indeed, nearly every classic line that I attempted in Joe's involves a difficult throw or deadpoint. This style of climbing is not within my skill-set, but I wish it was. So I'll be heading back to Joe's in two weeks, with hopes of learning a thing or two about the biomechanics of huck (or, failing that, I'll find out where all the static, lock-off problems reside).

Justin warming up on the Angler.

Big Joe

They Call Him Jordan. They call me a goddamn chump who couldn't jump if his life depended on it. And one day it might. Who knows?

Simone is an honest dog, who doesn't feign motivation when tired. Instead, she rests her ragged paws and worn muscles, and laughs at the cavalier conceits of her human companions who refuse to do the same.

Justin executing "the move" on Maxipad.

Team Effort

See? Team Effort.

Seurat

2008-09-23T13:28:00.004-04:00

Last Friday, Justin and I found ourselves at Mt. Evans again, on what was so far the chilliest morning of the season. On previous trips, Justin was charitable enough to allow me to climb on Bierstadt early in the day, with favorable conditions. By the time we would walk over to his project, Seurat, it would be baking in the sun, slick as marble. This day, however, we headed straight for the merciless crack, with the sun still sequestered to nether regions of the horizon. After just a few attempts, Justin climbed Seurat, executing with style and grace (and animated facial expressions, as illustrated below). Well done, sir. Well done.

Justin explores the interface between anguish and euphoria on Seurat.

BIERSTADT!!!

2008-09-02T15:45:00.005-04:00

SENT!!! YES!!!*

*All-caps and exclamation points are useful in conveying the full thrust of my excitement, wouldn't you say? Oh, and I nearly forget: SO PSYCHED!!!

Mt. Evans

2008-08-30T16:40:00.010-04:00

Justin Fish warming up on the Ladder. This climb is arguably one of the finest warmups on the planet, depending on your perspective, of course. A lot of my projects make good warmups for the tough kids.

Justin warming his head up on Timeline.

Far too many photos of Bierstadt, a problem I've yet to complete. After a few days of work on it, I've managed to link it from the bottom to the top, where I've fallen off several times now. This Monday will be the day of reckoning (or, failing a send, Wednesday). My skin is conditioned, my muscle memory is intact, and I am so psyched I can barely sit still to type this. The celebratory beverage sits chilling in the refrigerator. Good thing I don't believe in "jinxes."

Justin brings his newly honed trad skills to bear on Seurat. Just wait until he brings his refreshed bouldering skills to bear on trad climbing. CRUSH!!!

The Great Picture Purge (Or: Here's What I've Been Up To, Sort Of)

2008-07-23T17:20:00.015-04:00

Over the past couple of months, the energy that I once devoted to rock climbing (and occasionally posting pictures and videos thereof) has been directed elsewhere, and spread pretty thin. The hiatus has been good for me in many ways, but I'm now ready to renew my obsession. And just in time: The alpine areas have melted, and are ready to be flailed upon by yours truly. By the time I get my mojo back (to the extent that I ever had it), the temps should be crisp and the friction extraordinary. Hopefully I'll see some of you out there.

In the mean time, here are some photos of recent trips I've taken. I hope you enjoy.

The Olympic Peninsula

Nationalistic shenanigans, eh? Canada Day in Victoria, BC.

Fresh forage in Vancouver.

The summit of the Chief at Squamish, BC.

Bobcat near the summit of the Chief. Look toward the center of the photo, just under the splintered log.

Slug.

Another slug. I promise it was a really exciting trip to the Pacific Northwest.

Even on vacation, I can't forget about my projects at home.

With a little agricultural TLC and viticultural intervention, these grapes too will one day get me drunk.

Mitch imbibes, albeit grudgingly. Touring wineries is such a chore.

See... It's a total chore.

Shaggy Parasol mushroom.

Katie and Simone on Mt. Yale.

Bernholtz Arete at the Skyland Boulders in Crested Butte.

Atomic (aka Tick Fever)

Designed to Placate

2008-06-03T18:28:00.005-04:00

Blog post as mitigation. Here you go...

Jason Pinto on Veritas. We've been spending a great deal of time at this boulder recently. Mostly under it. Rarely atop. We hope to favorably alter the ratio of these prepositions soon. I did manage to climb to the top from the original stand-start last week, but the sit-start still eludes me, so my work here is not quite finished.

Lauren ekes out a reluctant smile despite rainy/snowy Memorial Day conditions. The technicolored raincoat amplifies her intrinsic cheer. (Note the aspens, which had not even started to bud. It was evidently a long winter for chumps in the high country).

Simone and Russ most certainly misbehavin'

The aftermath of debauchery at Camp Dick. The restaurant crew wanted to go on a backpacking trip, so I very carefully coerced them into going to Camp Dick, where I had an unfinished project (Put Some Hair Around It). It was an altogether successful trip, culminating in the construction of the "perfect smore," a virtuous sort of outdoorsy drunkenness, and an ascent of the boulder problem that has spit me off for two years. I can't wait to convince these non-climbing friends that Mt. Evans is a really scenic place to camp.

Mt. Meeker and Long's Peak.

By Way of Update

2008-05-16T22:54:00.006-04:00

I really have nothing to say, and will belabor that point with many words. Some of you have issued demands for an update, and must now receive it graciously. Those who haven't asked for one-- indeed stumbled upon this blog by sheer accident -- will be labeled as "collateral damage." I will now proceed.

During this past month in Colorado, I've been forced to alter my criteria for a successful day of bouldering. In the Southeast, a successful day was one in which I sent many quality problems, finished a project, or came so heartbreakingly close to finishing a project that subsequent success was essentially guaranteed. I think that's a pretty safe, generic way to define success in bouldering. But I have manifestly failed on all of those counts since returning here. Therefore, I've been forced to redefine success so that it appears less fleeting.

For example:

Success is getting really good roundtrip gas mileage to and from the crag by employing my mad geriatric driving skills.

Success is knowing that Simone deconstructed an entire elk carcass during one of my flail sessions on Get Over It. (She then deconstructed laissez faire economics and string theory just because).

Success is defecating once, twice, nay... thrice before giving my chosen boulder problem an earnest burn. Praise be unto coffee.

Success is chewing up and swallowing my performance-enhancing chunk of ginger without succumbing to the full-body, spasmodic hiccups that it sometimes causes. It's the damnedest thing when that happens...

Success is -- between attempts -- reading ten pages in Oprah's new self-help book-of-the-month pick, hugging myself for purposes of stretching and reassurance, and sobbing uncontrollably in order to purge excess water weight (spitting in a cup is so crass...)

So there you have it. Definitive proof that I am a successful rock climber and can continue to flaunt my self-aggrandizing demeanor, in spite of the dearth of problems on my 8a spraysheet. I hope all of you youngsters in my readership have learned that with a little self-delusion, a flair for sophistry, and some good old fashioned determination, you too can be successful one day. It's all a matter of definitions.

Next week's lesson: Successful Career Evasion and How to Drink Copious Quantities of Wine!

Back in Boulder

2008-04-23T21:22:00.013-04:00

Snow-capped peaks; Potent microbrews; Militant, wheat-free vegans; Beautiful people walking comelier dogs; Painful, granola-induced diarrhea (quickly remedied with kombucha); Chinook winds; Vigorous grade debates; Prius drag races; Painful crystal pulling; Three-hundred days of sunshine (with attendant melanoma); Low atmospheric pressure (allowing for expansive egos); Charismatic fauna; Multiparous mothers who are stronger than you; Cultural diversity...

Well, maybe not that last one. We tend to reflect a lot of light here.* But the other overlying idiosyncrasies are just part of what makes me glad to call this place "home"... at least for a while.

Just making sure that I can still do the move on Moffat Direct, one year crustier. While it is much maligned, Flagstaff Mt. is a good place to try and earn street credit. Not that I need any... yo.

Andy Mann warming up for a session at Arthur's Rock

Andy on Ode to Failure

Simone, content to burrow wherever we are. (Note to park rangers: No actual erosion was caused by this placid K-9. Blogs are not real life.)

Jason Pinto on Laying in Wait, the "best slab in Colorado."

*Yes, I am conflating culture and color. What of it, you goddamn hippie!?

A View From My Vernal Vantage-Point

2008-04-01T08:22:00.007-04:00

Here is what I will do this summer:

I will eat about a thousand pounds of mushrooms, porcini mostly (though I'll also devour ample amounts of hawk's wing, hedgehog, and prince mushrooms). This season is certain to be the most fruitful since I began to forage several years ago. And this year, I will tackle any squirrels, bears, or Polish expats who stand between me and my bountiful fungi-fare. Troublesome empiricists might ask, "What's your evidence to suggest that this year's flush will be so extraordinary, or that your ability to comb the forest floor will have improved?" Such incredulity doesn't even dignify a response. Doubters will go hungry, mark my words.

I will climb all of my projects, thanks to my new found physical prowess (owing to the mushroom consumption, of course). This needs no further comment.

I will summit many of Colorado's proud peaks. In recent years, my desire to be a hard boulderer has taken priority over my desire to be a hardened mountaineer. However, I will find a balance between both ambitions this season. After all, some of my most memorable experiences have taken place on the flanks of some majestic mountain, where I find myself somewhere between physical rupture and emotional rapture. I won't deprive myself of that experience this summer.

I will go on a date, or some such amorous excursion. Seems like high time. I admit, this is the most tentative of my summertime resolutions, as it's the only one that requires mutual inclination. But it seems like a reasonable thought to have in spring, with all of its fecundity. The mushrooms will no doubt aid me in this endeavor as well.

Soon, summer will come to pass judgement on the merit, or folly, of my April ambitions. Until then, they all seem highly plausible.

New River Gorge

2008-03-26T10:49:00.007-04:00

We traveled as a three-man extractive industry. We sought to better mountain-top removal miners with our unbridled crushing capacity. However, the EPA summarily banned us, citing stream pollution, deforestation and general habitat destruction. Go figure.

Beautiful scenery...

Pleasant company...

Ice cold beer...

Edward Abbey might disapprove...

Anthony on Tribe of Two Sheiks

John on an unknown, but quickly realized problem. (Yikes -- epistemological disarray!)

See John Dubose and Anthony Lett for more. I call that blogging by proxy.

Matt's Prow

2008-03-17T20:58:00.004-04:00

I am opposed to the death penalty, and, as it turns out, execution of all sorts. My climbing performance on Sunday was illustrative of this aversion to completion. I took a day trip to Boone, which is no zippy commute, only to climb to the top of and back away from Matt's Prow (v8). Three times.

To be sure, the fall is harrowing. It's not exactly tall, but it is rocky and uneven, and seems to scream "COMPOUND FRACTURE!" or "BACKWARDS CATAPULT!" One should have a spotter, and I was alone. Nevertheless, I chose to go ahead and climb on it, and should have finished it. Otherwise, I should have chosen not to climb on it and expended my effort elsewhere. There is plenty of elsewhere in Boone.

The inability of a 26-year-old college grad (who is also uninsured) to make intelligent and mature decisions about which little piece of rock to climb is sad. The inability of said grad to conjure up some balls and see those decisions through is utterly disgraceful.

And now for my public shaming:

Sorry for all the self-laceration. Perhaps my upcoming trip to West Virginia will dry my sodden spirits.

The Dali

2008-03-15T14:47:00.005-04:00

Ah, The Dali... A jolly warm-up for many, but a project of monumental proportions for yours truly. The day that I finally climbed it was fraught with frustration and emotional discharge. It was to be my final attempt to send before moving to South Carolina for an indefinite period. My motivation couldn't have been greater. And, as you will see in the feature film below, success appeared to be fleeting as the session wore on. However, I managed to pull it together just before the alpine sun peeked over the Eastern Ridge, which on previous days signified the end of my “workday” (at about 9:00 am).

I’ll spare you the verbiage regarding my level of psych or white-kid-introspection or fulfillment or whatever. I’m sure all that noise is implicit. It’s not that I’m being flippant about personal achievement; indeed, I’ve remarked on it plenty of times before. It’s just that I sound so trite when I do. Ultimately, better people have expressed wiser thoughts about harder climbs.

Then again, the above statements could be perceived as some sort of false modesty, or a futile attempt to rise above the fray. Fuck it. Scrutinize my ego as you see fit, just don’t say shit about my tank-top.

Take Note: The Columbia Scene is on Fire!!!

2008-03-12T21:20:00.005-04:00

Eat your collective heart out, Boulder, Chatt-Town and SLC... Columbia is officially a SCENE!!! Barrister/Boulderer John DuBose and Longman/Strongman Anthony Lett now have blogs. Ignore them at your peril.

John Dubose -- petrocasuistry.blogspot.com

Anthony Lett -- wwwantsrant.blogspot.com

Patio Roof

2008-03-05T16:44:00.005-05:00

Here is a video of my ascent of the Patio Roof (v8), on the west side of Rumbling Bald. Critical viewers might mistake my unabashed body slinging and complete lack of style as gestures of disrespect for this little jewel. But please understand, I know no other way to climb. The citadel of my athletic repertoire is too well fortified to be penetrated by something as timorous as grace (read: I'm heavy and stubborn). Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

Full size? I don't get it.

Palmetto Ruckus

2008-02-26T21:29:00.001-05:00

They're all called Dixie.

Still a project...

Brad on the FA of Terra Firma. Thin and techy. Beautiful. And, note this, it's in South Carolina. Weird.

A Call to Arms (well, fingers mostly)

2008-02-21T15:29:00.008-05:00

The season is beginning to wind down in the Deep South. The temperature has risen and new foliage is threatening to burst forth at any moment. With the burgeoning greenery will come diminished forest visibility and, of course, increased humidity. Therefore, I have urgently renewed my search for boulders in the "mountains" of South Carolina, lest I be put off until November.

So far, the most promising area appears to be Table Rock State Park. The rock here bears a resemblance to that of Rumbling Bald, if a bit more blank looking. Most of the lines seem fairly difficult, but decidedly worth the effort needed to climb them (note: By decidedly, I mean that I, and I alone, have decided. All the blather hereafter will be a floundering attempt to convince you to get psyched, join me in my development effort, and publicly concur with my original assertion, which is, in case you've already forgotten: These lines are decidedly worth the effort). Moreover, I feel certain that I've only seen a small sample of the available problems. I have not even begun to explore the daunting expanse of territory actually below the Table Rock massif. Perhaps an intrepid partner will help me do so.

So here is my appeal: Come tromp through the woods with me. I'll provide coffee and beer, before and after, in any order you choose. There might be a great deal of hiking involved, but your cardiovascular system and I will be very grateful. See you soon.

This is a cool looking dyno project. Being that I have the stature of a T-Rex and the angular limb velocity of a sloth, I stand firmly against dynos (get it?). But I implore some of my lanky, spring-loaded friends to come climb this, and give it a much cooler name than I would.

Project...

Insert proud line here...

Project...

Soggy Slogging Through the South

2008-02-08T15:00:00.000-05:00

I recently took a couple of weeks away from work to thoroughly roadtrip through the Southeast. I began by climbing at Rumbling Bald with some Columbia folks. Always a treat. Then, good friend Jason Pinto flew in from Colorado to accompany me on what was supposed to be an eat-your-heart-out-General-Sherman razing of the sandstone bouldering areas. In retrospect, that expectation might have been a bit grandiose.

At the outset, we enjoyed two sunny days at Rocktown, as well as one at Horse Pens 40. The remainder of the trip was miserably rainy, unfortunately skewing the climbing-day to rest-day ratio. Damp boulders beget damper morale. However, I suppose we should be grateful that we emerged unscathed. The storms that snuffed out our psych culminated in catostrophic tornadoes nearby, which makes our bitching seem pretty trifling.

A few pictures:

Anthony on Contact at Rumbling Bald

Pinto on Cuts Like a Knife at HP40

Brad on Red Lobster at HP40

Here is a public cry for help: I'd like to share a few videos of various climbing exploits, but I'm totally mired in ineptitude, and therefore unable to do so. I'm working with a computer that is new to me, and can't figure out how upload (or is it download? lateral load? I don't know...) video from my camera. When I did this before, I used a fire-wire. However, this computer doesn't seem to have the appropriate outlet. Help me, please. Is there some other way? Will a USB work? I'm at a loss.

Holiday Weekend at Rumbling Bald

2008-01-22T12:11:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, in the bitter cold, the South Carolina crew descended upon Rumbling Bald. We brought with us equal measures of courage, valor, and fear. We delivered our hearts' payload upon the boulders, and lost ourselves in the passion of battle. Fingers bled, dogs howled, grown men wept. Ultimately, gravity gained the day, but we all vowed to return, stronger and wiser. Yeah, right. We'll see how that goes...

Ian on a series of moves through the Patio Roof. This problem was on my project list at Rumbling Bald, and I was extremely glad to have climbed it on Sunday. A crumby video of the send is forthcoming.

Brad about to top out Shady Grove

Anthony shows the French Maid his angry face

Crowning Achievement

2008-01-17T10:18:00.001-05:00

It's about to get radical. Consider yourself warned.

The Orb

2008-01-12T21:07:00.000-05:00

Rocktown's The Orb is one of those boulder problems with a really classic appeal. It follows an obvious horizontal line of water grooves and slopers, finishing on the bulging end of a pill-shaped boulder. It is quintessentially southern sandstone.

Previously this season, The Orb has thwarted me, and sent me away sulking. My failure usually arose from poor endurance, soggy conditions, and general fat-assedness. But I am happy to report that as of today, The Orb is no longer my project. That is an indirect way of saying "I SENT THE DAMN THING AND I'M SO, SO HAPPY!!!" It was an incredible day at Rocktown, with perfect conditions. I'll remember it always.

As if to bolster my euphoria, the trip home through Atlanta was actually pleasant for a change. The weather was mild, tractor trailers gave me a wide berth, and busty Southern Belles emerged from sunroofs smiling and waving...

As you read this, you may ask yourself "Is it really that big of deal?" or "Does a moderately difficult little pebble like The Orb really warrant such lofty language?" And as I sit here, traversing the pleasant states of Champagne-induced inebriation, I can conjure up only one answer: Yes. A thousand times yes.

Below are various Rocktown images. None of The Orb, unfortunately.

Lab Rats

Nose Candy

Sherman Photo Roof

Graceful Conquests in Utah

2008-01-06T19:31:00.000-05:00

For your viewing pleasure: A piss-poor video of J. Fish and I climbing in Utah many moons ago. As you will see, my technological savvy is only marginally greater than my mantling skills. Luckily, Blog Spot makes this interface relatively idiot-resistant. Enjoy.

Soluble Moral Fiber

2007-12-28T13:13:00.001-05:00

All who have met my dog, Simone, have commented on her upstanding character. She has been widely held, by human and canine alike, as the paragon of virtue. But such qualities were apparently illusory. All notions of chastity and goodness have now evaporated because of a recent amorous transgression.

Simone got done.

Or more accurately, Simone got done and did some doing of her own. I'll spare everyone the nasty details. Suffice it to say that she and a young scrub named Drifter engaged in public coitus, much to the surprise and outrage of the human witnesses. Voyeurism, indecency, shame. Drifter, the despoiler, is ostensibly named after the famous boulder problem, High Plains Drifter (I understand there's also a lesser-known movie by the same title). However, we now know that he's actually named for his infamous "wham-bam thank you ma'am" disposition. Feigned proclamations of love, recently remembered early morning appointments, promises to call... you know the routine.

Simone -- love-lorn and abashed -- now spends her days wallowing in self-pity. She needs no external punishment. For my part, I'll travel the lecture circuit to promote abstinence-only education... for dogs. I've been much too liberal in my dog-rearing, and hope others will learn from my errors. As for Drifter, who knows? I suppose he'll tour all of the Southeastern bouldering areas, whittling away at his "tick list." It's a time of reckoning for naive, nubile dogs. Be wary.

Once virtuous, now sullied

For all who regularly visit this blog site (I think my viewership is up to about four people) I apologize for the rather domestic entries of late. Pleasant weather and time-off seem to have become misaligned, so I have fewer mediocre climbing pictures than usual. But with enough foot-stamping and teeth-gnashing, I'm sure Mother Nature will soon comply. Until then, you will know this: MY GARDEN IS FRUITLESS AND MY DOG IS A WHORE!

Awaiting Coronation

2007-12-19T20:26:00.000-05:00

These are my broccoli plants. They won't crown. And, while I don't want to anthropomorphize too much, I must say that they don't appear eager to do much of anything. They seem quite content in their current state of torpor, and I guess I'll have to accept that for now. It is winter, after all.

But these cruciferous vegetables, upon becoming productive, will be the key to transcendent glory. They will unlock the doors to tireless physical strength, and boundless mental acumen. I will share my broccoli with you, and you will understand. This broccoli will be, in a word, healthy. Eat up.

Not winning any new climbing partners with this one...

2007-12-17T08:45:00.000-05:00

This is an old photo of J. Fish, taken after he had a bit of a spill on Revenge, in Rocky Mountain National Park. Some might claim that he incurred the injury because of poor spotting and pad placement on my part. Others might contend that his refusal to wear steel body armor was an invitation to abrasion. While I tend to side with the latter group, I suppose there's a grain of truth in both arguments. Moreover, falls onto rock are always multi-factoral. And what did you do to prevent it? I guess in a way we're all to blame... Right?

Rumbling Bald

2007-12-12T13:17:00.000-05:00

Because it's one of the few bouldering areas within day-trip distance of Columbia, I will leave copious amounts of skin and self-respect at Rumbling Bald this season. Can't wait.

Here are a few shots of Brad on some classics in the main area.

Lewis Lunge

Kung Fu Grip

Everyone is eagerly awaiting the RB Guidebook publication, so that we can:

a) Find the purportedly established 800 or so problems that chumps like me know nothing about.

b) Have serious and important grade debates. Representatives from sanctioning bodies everywhere will convene in Japan for the 2008 V8 Summit.

Rocktown

2007-12-04T15:07:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, with my finger finally healed, I got to spend a couple of rapturously happy days at Rocktown. Save for the unnerving, soul-cleaving drive through the Atlanta metro area, this was one of the most satisfying climbing trips I've taken in a long time.

Upon arriving in the parking area on Sunday, I saddled up and started toward the sound of unbridled crushing. This led me, of course, to the Columbia crew, who were stopping through on their way home from Little Rock City. We all went over to the Dugout, where we sessioned mercilessly. Abraded fingers, bruised egos, profanity, ax battles -- it's all part of the Rocktown experience. I managed to eke out Tunnel Vision (v6), with a sphincter-clenching finish. Anthony graciously fed me beta to Splash Back (v6), another classic. I worked out all the moves and decided to save it for the next morning. Having taken so much time away from climbing lately, I feared my stamina would wane, and I didn't want to get bogged down. There is so much to climb at Rocktown.

We moved on to the Orb Area. I tried the Orb (v8), to which I know all the moves, but am unable to grunt my way through when trying it on-link. I gave it a couple of lame attempts and moved on, tail between legs. We moved over to Soap on a Rope, which holds the dubious position of "The Hardest v4 in the Universe." Really, it is. I managed to do it quickly, which was surprising given the amount of times it had thwarted me before. With that I bode the Columbia fellas farewell and went to camp.

I awoke the next morning to biting cold and a Mistral-style wind. Sending conditions! I went to Splash Back after warming up, and climbed it on my first try. I then moved over to Skin Graph (v6), which I had never tried before, and managed to dispatch it fairly quickly. Feeling good, I moved on to the Idiot Roof, where I worked on Inspired by an Idiot (v6), an almost perfectly horizontal, 15-foot roof climb. After a few minutes of sketching out the sequence, I sent. From here I went on to repeat Helicopter (v6), Center Comet (v4ish), and Nose Candy (v6). I have rarely had such a fulfilling day of climbing.

Below are some pictures of the Columbia guys on Sunday. The photos are kind of grainy, and generally poor looking. If you want better pictures, you'll have to subsidize my buying a new camera and formal photography training. Don't be a toothless complainy-pants. Make checks payable to Ryan Brazell.

John on Soap on a Rope

Dan on Double Trouble

Anthony on Splash Back

Mere Flesh

2007-11-09T10:43:00.000-05:00

'The forces of fate and coincidence -- assuming for a moment that such forces exist -- have generally enlisted themselves in my favor.'

I feed the above mantra to myself when the occasional adverse event transpires. I recently screamed short, profane derivatives of it when I sliced my left index finger on a can of coconut milk. Bloody hell.

The lesion only required three stitches, and the pain endured will likely pay dividends in the form of sweet luvin' (chicks dig scars, or so I've been assured by my grizzled virgin friends...) But I have unfortunately had to cancel my upcoming Bishop trip. The cut is on the business portion of my finger, and will not abide my pulling on sharp, granite patina. So it appears that the forces have conspired against me for the moment. However, mystical (read: imaginary) forces are fickle things, and I'm sure the tide will turn. And, if I may wax left for a moment, the tide has always flowed in my favor, if for no other reason than my demographic. I am no more fortune's fool than I am Chris Sharma. If cancelling my trip is the worst thing that happens to me this week, I'm certainly livin' the good life.

Nevertheless, there is insight to be gained from this incident.

Lessons learned:

1) Eat locally. Getting exotic foodstuffs from abroad leaves a large carbon footprint and causes bodily harm. Always.

2) Only eat foods with a high coefficient of friction. Slick foods, like coconut milk, always cause bodily harm. Always. Whole grains, kale, and gravel. That's all humans need to eat. I dare you to show me any contrary evidence.

3) Get a "real" job. Stitches are expensive if you don't have health insurance.

4) Better yet, move to any other country in the industrialized world, and avoid getting a real job. Avail yourself of universal health care. Moreover, take advantage of the preventative care in such nations. It's a well known fact that cans are prevented from harming people in Canada, Australia, and the European Union. Lesson learned, indeed.

This rant was sponsored by wine.

Awwww... Summer Memories

2007-11-03T14:25:00.000-04:00

Lest the brilliance of the '07 summer be consigned to the memory hole...

Scott Neel topping out Minturn Mile

Andy Mann on the engaging Star-Crossed Lovers

Jason Pinto crushing Right El Jorge

Clouds enveloping Navajo Peak

Andy Mann musters fortitude on Pink Fink.

Big piles of rock are fun too. Standing on the summit of Wetterhorn Peak in the San Juan Mountains.

Simply the best columbine picture ever, courtesy of Zach Owens. Go ahead, zoom in. Unless, of course, you find close-ups of reproductive organs too offensive, ya softy.

"We're gonna poop in the woods!"

It's not that I hate her, it's just that I don't respect her.

Vagina

2007-10-29T22:35:00.000-04:00

I went bouldering at Rocktown, GA this past weekend. Great fun. The weather was pleasant. I met a few kind humans, but mostly had the place to myself. Despite my three week hiatus from climbing, I climbed pretty well. I repeated a couple of easier classics, and managed to send The Vagina (v8), a problem that I worked on one day last year. This problem epitomizes the quality of climbing at Rocktown -- unique holds on a roof to a relatively slopey, but probable topout. I could climb in this style until I'm too arthritic to move... which might be sooner than I had hoped. My middle finger is swollen to about twice its normal circumference right now. (Go ahead, make crass jokes about The Vagina and a swollen appendage. I expect as much. Real mature.)

The finishing moves on The Vagina.

Palmetto Bear, Ursine Affair

2007-10-23T00:01:00.001-04:00

Over the past couple of years, I have been graced with some really interesting wildlife encounters. I've been face-to-face with a mountain lion outside of Aspen. I've seen a fox killing a marmot on Handies Peak. I've seen moose in areas with supposedly sparse moose populations. I've seen several bears throughout Colorado. I've had afternoon tea with a Sasquatch (allow me just a bit of hyperbole here, would you?). And this past Sunday, I got to add another creature sighting to the memory bank: I saw my first South Carolina bear*.

Simone and I were hiking in Jones Gap State Park, reconnoitering for boulders (well, I was looking for boulders; she was looking for raccoon poop to eat and ungainly squirrels to dispatch). We came around a bend at the top of a cove, when the forest exploded, and a relatively small, stocky black bear sprinted for the top of an opposite hill. Being that it is a South Carolina bear, it belted out a rebel yell as it crested the hilltop. I was psyched!

Unfortunately, it all happened too quickly for me to snap a picture. So it goes. Below are a few pictures of Colorado wildlife, none of which are great, I am aware. But this blog is primarily a place for me to purge some of the photos I've collected over the years, and so I will.

Marauding Marmot

A black bear across the way from our campsite in the San Juans this summer. Needless to say, it gave us pause (sorry).

Meese

"You want a piece, bitch!?"

Dingo

*I'm well aware that bears, lions, tigers, birds, bees, and any other fauna one might wish to name don't give a shit about those cartographic contrivances we call borders. Ultimately, the fact that this bear happened to be south of the SC/NC border only matters to human chumps like me. I doubt this bear has any SC state flag emblems on any of its polo shirts.

Bishop, CA

2007-10-21T12:09:00.000-04:00

I'm headed to California soon. I'll be there for two weeks, bouldering in Bishop and hanging with Zach in the Santa Cruz area. I can hardly wait. Columbia is starting to drain my morale a bit, and I'm really looking forward to recharging in the Eastern Sierras and the California coast. The trip will hopefully be a beautiful mosaic of bloody fingers and pleasant wines. Both of my hedonistic urges will be gratified.

Below are some pictures that Justin and I took of our Bishop trip last spring.

Justin on the Iron Man Traverse

Saigon

Me trying and failing on Cayla. This is one of the coolest problems at the Druid Stones, and I can't wait to approach it with new beta this year.

Whatta boulder... Hanging out at the top of High Plains Drifter.

Entry moves to Skye Dance

More Skye Dancing

The Cave Route

More of the Cave Route

Change of Heart

Sure is purty.

Scouring the hills...

2007-10-17T12:53:00.000-04:00

I've been devoting a fair amount of my leisure time to exploring the state parks in the northwest portion of South Carolina. There is climbing to be had in this region -- I'm quite convinced of it. SC has largely been overlooked as a potential bouldering destination, in part because some of the prominent rock formations are officially closed to climbing. Whether or not all forms of climbing are prohibited is less clear. As far as I can tell, there is no explicit language forbidding climbing in the parks' "Rules and Regulations." I suppose I'll parse language and chat with the rangers when the time comes. But presently, I'm really enjoying the exploration. Plus, my middle finger is in a state of disrepair, and I don't think I'll be climbing for another couple of weeks. So I might as well hike.

I've had the most fruitful outings at Table Rock State Park, and have included some pictures of the rock. The granite here is immaculate. Where potential lines exist, they are astonishing.

Too bad there's no rock in SC

Yes, there are worse fates than poking around the woods in search of boulders.

Narcissism Set to Motion: Bouldering Video 1

2007-10-12T13:55:00.000-04:00

This is a lo-def video of me climbing Nose Candy at Rocktown, GA. J. Fish and I spent a couple of days there in May of 2005.

Rocktown is one of the great Southeastern bouldering areas, containing a slew of problems in the V5 to V8 range. It is one of my all-time favorite places to hang out, and I hope to go there frequently over the winter.

Decomposers: The Unsung Heroes

2007-10-12T11:48:00.000-04:00

Velvet Foot

Shaggy Mane

Aspen Bolete

Hound Ears

2007-10-09T10:31:00.000-04:00

This past weekend saw the Hound Ears bouldering competition in Boone, NC. As the opening leg of the Triple Crown Bouldering Series each year in the Southeast, the Hound Ears comp allows climbers to trammel upon the peace and dignity of this posh mountain community. It's their one day a year to do it, because Hound Ears is officially closed to climbing all other times.

The day was extraordinarily fun, although conditions were less than optimal. It's still pretty muggy in these parts, and the holds were incredibly greasy. I climbed pretty well, but didn't achieve the mileage that an all-day-one-day-a-year event calls for. I managed to make an already underlying middle finger injury (injury to insult?) official, and will have to take some time away from climbing. So it goes...

Waking up on the morning of the comp

Whole lotta foam...

Unknown climber on Blasphemy (V5)

Anthony on The Proud (V7)

Parlez Vous Parkay (V6)

Trying hard...

Anthony on the Lunatic Arete (V4). We all languished a bit on the day following the comp. We managed to get up and go climbing at the Lost Cove, but this was one of the few problems with which anyone engaged.

Look at me, love me.

2007-10-03T21:21:00.000-04:00

Well, I've decided to enroll myself in that academy of narcissism, the blog. Poke fun if you wish. I certainly would. But know this: This blog has consciousness-expanding qualities the likes of which have never been experienced on the web, much less the blogosphere. By tuning in regularly to my rantings and photo postings, you will be penetrating my soul and gleaning enlightenment therefrom.
This blog is not for the faint-hearted. There will be bouldering photos. There will be landscape photos. I will drink wine and toss inhibitions to the curb. I will unabashedly use profane language. This is all exceedingly and overwhelmingly original. You have been warned.